A Rant About Birds

Today’s rant is about birds. What the hell is going on here? First flight 1549 gets both engines taken out by birds and makes a landing that is more wet than Perez Hilton at a Jonas Brother’s show. While we’re here, what is up with dumpy gay guys being social and fashion icons? Some gay load is 5-6, 225 of pure tit, wears fluorescent colors, and has feathered, colored hair. This makes It an authority on what other people should do and wear? In fact, Hilton’s hair looks like a bird. A bird sitting on top of a giant pile of crap poured into clothes from Hot Topic. But I digress… Next, a small plane in Tennessee or some hell hole hits a bird and lands with it stuck to the windshield. Not to be outdone, a gang of tequila soaked seagulls hit a plane en route from San Jose to Denver that was going 120+ on the runway. This forced the pilot to abort the take off, and delayed further degentrification of LoDo. The obvious solution is to shoot/scare/kill the birds that hang around airports, but of course hippies don’t want to do anything that logical. What the hell do birds do that is so great anyway? Certain varieties are delicious, such as the cute little ducky that was in my penne last night, but mostly birds just squawk and shit. Don’t even get me started on fucking pigeons. They are the Homeless of the Sky. Just filty and disgusting. I always have the ones that are missing toes, a wing, have half a head, etc., come sit 1/2 a foot away from me while I am eating. Just kill the damn things, I want to eat a $5 Footlong in the sun, not get bird-AIDS. One time, in front of the Hyatt in downtown SF, there was a big hawk. Now that was a cool bird, I am pretty sure Chuck Norris was under its feathers. Well this hawk was killing pigeons! It would swoop down, kill a pigeon, then return to its perch. I was enjoying watching this, until some bitch (undoubtedly from Marin or Berkeley) called the cops. Yes, the police were called to do something about this avarian genocide. The poor cop shows up, surveys the situation, and thankfully did not pull out his service revolver to strafe the side of the Hyatt to save some festering wounds with wings. Perhaps my biggest annoyance with the fucking pigeons…You know who is always feeding them? THE GOD DAMN HOMELESS. So some scabie ridden filth bag is feeding his winged cousins, creating an incredibly dirty and uncomfortable situation for people. People who are walking to work in the Financial District to have the good fortune to give 40%+ of what they make to the government to keep the streets full of homeless and the air full of pigeons. God I hate San Francisco sometimes. Lastly, birds are too god damn loud and wake up earlier than a 4 year old on Christmas. You tell me one benefit of having birds on this planet. F*ck birds.