Why is nobody talking about how Chris Brown beat down Rihanna? So a famous guy beats up his equally famous girlfriend and the media, celebrities, etc are all mute on the matter. Ike beat Tina and there were songs about it. Chris Brown beats Rihanna and the biggest news out of Hollywood is that some white guy, who used to be black is selling his old memorabilia. So it falls to dumb and dumber to debate the truly important subject, who’s the more notorious wife beater? Ike or Brown? I know, that’s why it’s called Dumb and Dumber.

Dumb:

Practice makes perfect. So if you compare the ability of Ike Turner to smack a bitch upside da’ head to Chris Brown’s, it’s no contest: Ike INVENTED smackin’ the bitch up! Chrissy sells doublemint gum. Chris Brown is like Joe Flacco vs. Ike Turner’s Brett Farve. Ike didn’t care if he missed the mark from time to time, he just kept hackin’ away till he got the killshot. ‘POW! Right upside yo’ head BITCH!’ Chrissy Bee, who’s ass has he whooped? Rihanna? Rihanna! “Unda ma umber els ella ella ah eh eh eh.” Ike went after Tina Turner. TINA TURNER! Have you seen Tina these days at age 65? Ripped! Imagine when she was younger, when she was with Ike. Proud Mary kept on burnin cuz Tina’s buff bootie kept on churnin!! Shit, Tina would whoop Christina’s El DeBarge lookin’ ass by her self!! CB trys to get the bitch’s breathe to smell like mint chewing gum, Ike beat the fuckin’ taste out her mouth. Fillmore Slim once said he patterned his backhand after Ike’s. Meanwhile, Carrot Top would make Chrissy wet his pants. When I say the name Ike, you don’t think of Dwight D. Eisenhower, you think of Ike Turner, Bad Muthafucka! When you hear the name Chris Brown, you don’t know if you’re talking about the former SF Giant that set himself on fire trying to burn his own house down or the former Tennessee Titan running back or Mr. Rihanna.. And in the car leaving a PRE-GRAMMY party?! Can’t even make the Grammys? ROOKIES! Ike once combed Tina’s hair back to the skin as she was in the middle of singing ‘The Star Spangeled Banner! So, when it comes to who can smack a bitch up, it’s no contest, you gotta like Ike.

Dumber:

What a great topic: ABUSE! There’s nothing more media-worthy than a good ol’ fashioned ass whippin’, especially when it’s dealt by a husband/boyfriend who’s hypnotized by apoplectic rage. It’s certainly wrong, and I don’t condone it, but all the home boys out there who’ve ever been in a relationship (myself included) know just how tempting it can be. Especially when the girl is batshit crazy. You just…want …to…!!!!!!!!. Side note, some girls actually find physical abuse pleasurable if it precedes or coincides with a sexual act, and I’ve found they often cite Steve Miller Band, reasoning: “You’ve got to go through hell before you get to heaven”. Anyway, I digress. Chris Brown clearly beat the shit out of Rihanna. Let’s evaluate the circumstances mathematically: 19 year old kid + lots of money + ego inflation + batshit girlfriend + lack of good upbringing (I’m going out on a limb here…) + poor education (again, just a guess) = The next Bobby Brown. It’s a pretty typical case of abuse: guy flies off the handle, commences strangulation and follows with a few heavy blows for good measure. Nothing special. Just think though, he’s only 19! Imagine when he really gets into booze and cocaine?! I’d draft him in the Fantasy Wife Beaters keeper league - first round! Speaking of sports, Dumb mentioned there’s a Chris Brown on the SF Giants that beat his girl too? Distant cousin? I gotta hand it to Ike Turner though - check this quote out: “Sure, I’ve slapped Tina… There have been times when I punched her to the ground without thinking. But I have never beat her.” There’s the lack of education thing rearing it’s ugly head. Here’s a philosophical question for all you Berkeley and Brown grads that hate me right now: Should Chris Brown face harsher punishment than this crazy bitch? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1136287/One-night-stand-man-wakes-lover-carved-arm.html

Madness doesn’t condone any sort of domestic violence at the end of the day both Ike and Chris Brown are f*cking punks.  If what you need to do in life to prove yourself a man is to beat on a woman you deserve all the bad things that will come to you and for Mr. Brown you will reep this.

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