Dumb

After being humiliated in the Finals last year by Boston (you know expectations are high when losing 4-2 without your starting center is considered humiliation), the Los Angeles Lakers have but one objective this year: Win It All. Anything less would be a failure. So, after bringing the gold medal home for all Americans in Beijing this past summer, Kobe has the sole focus of bringing the gold Larry O’Brien trophy back where IT belongs: The City of Angeles. And make no mistake about it, with KG sidelined with a bum knee, the Lakers are the best team in the NBA, and the best team always wins. The only team that can really give the Lake Show a run for their money is The LeBrons, aka the Cleveland Cavaliers. I agree that LeBron is the best player in the game. But history shows that the best TEAM wins the Finals, not the best player. That’s why the Spurs have won 4 titles in the last 10 years, it’s why Detroit won in 2004 and it’s why the Celtics won last year. Assuming the Cleveland vs. Lakers scenario plays out, the Lakers will undoubtedly have the best team between the two. Last year, they were without Bynum and Trevor Ariza, and were playing with Gasol for only 1/2 season, and came within 2 games of winning it all. This year, with the core of the team healthy, both Ariza and Lamar Odom (not to mention Kobe) available to D up King James, and a supporting cast that is deeper and better from 2-12 than Cleveland, the Forum Blue & Gold will be poised to hoist the trophy once again. LeBron will have to wait at least another year to claim his crown and Kobe, ala Steve Young, can finally take that monkey off his back, earning his first title without Shaq.

Dumber

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Who will win emerge victorious from the Final Four and win the NCAA National Championship Game?

Dumb

The Final Four is here, but it’s really the Fina 2. Michigan State and Villanova, thanks for comin’, it’s been fun, like sex without a condom. But the keepers are UConn and UNC. UNC was the early season favorite, and with Ty Lawson back, they’re gonna look to run-n-gun. But UConn’s got the 7-3 Thabeet! Hansbourough is gonna have that wide-eyed “Gizmo from Gremlins” look on his funny face all game as he gets swatted over and over by Hasheem. And this kid knows something about swatting, he’s from Tanzania, lots of flies. UNC is stacked, but UConn is reppin the toughest conference in the country: The Big East, with four teams making the Elite 8, two in the Final Four and even two in the NIT Semis. Plus, they have A.J. Price to combat Lawson, Stanley Robinson to keep Green or Ellington in check, and a 6 inch height advantage on Gizmo. I think the talent and the Big East competition is going to serve them well as they play their toughest game. This will be an instant classic, and I’m not betting any part of my cock-n-balls on it, but I think UConn will pull it out and win that ornery old bastard Calhoun one last title.

Dumber

I wonder who Lamar would pick? Ehh, he’s probably too busy exerting his worldly prowess at the G20. I hate Tyler Hansbrough and his teary-eyed Dad (and Lamar for that matter), but I have to go with NC. I always want the underdog to win, but the purpose of the D&D topic is to pick the winner. Lawson’s no longer being a big baby about his “toe injury” and the team overall has more talent than Rihanna has embarrassing bruises. In the paint, I thought for sure Blake Griffin was going to make Hansbrough look like a bigger D-bag than he already is, but no luck. Shooting from outside? The Sooners went 2 for 19 from 3-point range. Going forward, NC can out muscle Villanova (a fast team but with much less size). Connecticut is the worst of the 4 teams in my opinion, and I’d love to see the no-name Michigan State squad take the crown in Rock City but I don’t see it happening if they have to run against Tar Heels.

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Dumb - Pro

I’m not going to spend too much time examining the pro’s and cons of the Economic Stimulus plan that President Obama has proposed. The Republicans and Naysayers out there are gaping, oozey, stinky vagina’s, I can say that much. They voted for President Bush twice, and now don’t admit it, saying they “hate Bush”. Every time we hit a rough spot economically between 2001-2008, they blamed Clinton’s policies. They allowed Bush and Co. to invade Iraq under false pretenses and spend, what has now amounted to, well over $1 Trillion on that war, basically destroying a country and doling out no-bid contracts to their buddies to go in and fix it at the expense of the taxpayer. Within the 1st 2 months of President Obama’s tenure, they’ve already assigned blame for our economic woes unto him. And now, they assail his plan, labeling it a “Tax and Spend” policy. Obviously, these are ignorant, dickless hypocrites who just want to win, not see America succeed. They’ve been riding the “I’m White” train their entire lives and slowly but surely, they’re watching that ride come to a halt, and their advantages are being thrown to the wolves, along with their health. All they can do is join the Oxycontin Laced Limbaugh Wagon and knock our President down, when all he wants to do is pull us out of the mire. So, am I qualified to analyze this bill and the policies set forth thus far. No. Can anyone accurately judge its effectiveness at this point? Absolutely not. But I liken it to this: When cancer spreads throughout your body, and you’re dying, sometimes Chemotherapy is the only hope. Filling your body with poison doesn’t seem intuitive or the best method at first glance. But the results are all that matter and times now are so drastic, the measures must be equally drastic. One thing I can tell you: I’d rather spend $1 Trillion on rebuilding our economy from within than on a war in the desert half the world away.

Dumber - Con

HA! I’m willing to watch the world burn. I’m content with double-digit unemployment. I’m even OK with sacrificing my own future and that of our nation. I’ll take it all - just so I can say I TOLD YOU SO. You fucking idiots wanted “Change”, you wanted to “Hope” and Ooooooh look! An inexperienced, left wing, ostensible fence rider who will unite the masses under the guise of unprecedented reformation - and he’s even black!! Let’s vote for him! Let’s vote for Change! Yes We Can! Last week the Yes We Can budget was announced, and I’m here to tell you No We Can’t. No, ladies and gentlemen, we can’t save healthcare. No people, we can’t save the auto industry. Nope, it isn’t a good idea to put rims and hydraulics on Air Force One. The space I have on this column is limited (otherwise I’d write a book) so I’ll skip the details, but here are a few of the major flaws: Firstly, Leroy is increasing the deficit to almost $3.6 trillion which, aside from the fact that it’s a huge number, is mostly being paid for by increasing taxes on people making over $250k per year. You left wing pussies go to fair trade coffee shops, read the New York Times and have caffeine-induced hallucinations of a happy world where equality is priority and little kids aren’t starving in Africa. You think - “rich people can afford to pay more taxes”. Maybe under normal circumstances, but guess what? These aren’t NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES and these so-called “rich people” are the ones that provide the supermajority of tax revenue, investment capital, and JOBS in this country. Moreover, $250k per year is enough for the single guy living in Sioux City, but it ain’t SHIT for the family in Brooklyn that’s barely scraping by. Secondly, Lamar is increasing the capital gains tax from 15-20%. Really? Are you seeing a lot of CAPITAL GAINS right now, you fucking retard? Why not create buying pressure and boost asset prices by abolishing the capital gains tax permanently? Finally, this is all geared towards helping lower-middle class and poor families - you know, the same people who bought $1 million houses making $50k per year because they are too stupid to do simple “maf”. Look, I think a stimpuls package is necessary on some level, I think we got in way over our heads, got drunk off debt, and the deleveraging is hurting us - BAD. Banks may need to be nationalized (unfortunately). More people will lose their jobs. The Dow may fall another 1000 points. Credit will remain extremely tight. People will remain unconfident. But don’t exacerbate the problem by driving through the ghetto throwing tax payers’ money out the sunroof of Lil’ Wayne’s Lamborghini. Instead, think about what’s really causing the problem here - lack of confidence and a constriction of capital flows compounded by plummeting real estate prices. Let’s push through a concentrated stimulus package that’s effective and cheap, not one that’s a thinly-veiled income redistribution scheme.

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Why is nobody talking about how Chris Brown beat down Rihanna? So a famous guy beats up his equally famous girlfriend and the media, celebrities, etc are all mute on the matter. Ike beat Tina and there were songs about it. Chris Brown beats Rihanna and the biggest news out of Hollywood is that some white guy, who used to be black is selling his old memorabilia. So it falls to dumb and dumber to debate the truly important subject, who’s the more notorious wife beater? Ike or Brown? I know, that’s why it’s called Dumb and Dumber.

Dumb:

Practice makes perfect. So if you compare the ability of Ike Turner to smack a bitch upside da’ head to Chris Brown’s, it’s no contest: Ike INVENTED smackin’ the bitch up! Chrissy sells doublemint gum. Chris Brown is like Joe Flacco vs. Ike Turner’s Brett Farve. Ike didn’t care if he missed the mark from time to time, he just kept hackin’ away till he got the killshot. ‘POW! Right upside yo’ head BITCH!’ Chrissy Bee, who’s ass has he whooped? Rihanna? Rihanna! “Unda ma umber els ella ella ah eh eh eh.” Ike went after Tina Turner. TINA TURNER! Have you seen Tina these days at age 65? Ripped! Imagine when she was younger, when she was with Ike. Proud Mary kept on burnin cuz Tina’s buff bootie kept on churnin!! Shit, Tina would whoop Christina’s El DeBarge lookin’ ass by her self!! CB trys to get the bitch’s breathe to smell like mint chewing gum, Ike beat the fuckin’ taste out her mouth. Fillmore Slim once said he patterned his backhand after Ike’s. Meanwhile, Carrot Top would make Chrissy wet his pants. When I say the name Ike, you don’t think of Dwight D. Eisenhower, you think of Ike Turner, Bad Muthafucka! When you hear the name Chris Brown, you don’t know if you’re talking about the former SF Giant that set himself on fire trying to burn his own house down or the former Tennessee Titan running back or Mr. Rihanna.. And in the car leaving a PRE-GRAMMY party?! Can’t even make the Grammys? ROOKIES! Ike once combed Tina’s hair back to the skin as she was in the middle of singing ‘The Star Spangeled Banner! So, when it comes to who can smack a bitch up, it’s no contest, you gotta like Ike.

Dumber:

What a great topic: ABUSE! There’s nothing more media-worthy than a good ol’ fashioned ass whippin’, especially when it’s dealt by a husband/boyfriend who’s hypnotized by apoplectic rage. It’s certainly wrong, and I don’t condone it, but all the home boys out there who’ve ever been in a relationship (myself included) know just how tempting it can be. Especially when the girl is batshit crazy. You just…want …to…!!!!!!!!. Side note, some girls actually find physical abuse pleasurable if it precedes or coincides with a sexual act, and I’ve found they often cite Steve Miller Band, reasoning: “You’ve got to go through hell before you get to heaven”. Anyway, I digress. Chris Brown clearly beat the shit out of Rihanna. Let’s evaluate the circumstances mathematically: 19 year old kid + lots of money + ego inflation + batshit girlfriend + lack of good upbringing (I’m going out on a limb here…) + poor education (again, just a guess) = The next Bobby Brown. It’s a pretty typical case of abuse: guy flies off the handle, commences strangulation and follows with a few heavy blows for good measure. Nothing special. Just think though, he’s only 19! Imagine when he really gets into booze and cocaine?! I’d draft him in the Fantasy Wife Beaters keeper league - first round! Speaking of sports, Dumb mentioned there’s a Chris Brown on the SF Giants that beat his girl too? Distant cousin? I gotta hand it to Ike Turner though - check this quote out: “Sure, I’ve slapped Tina… There have been times when I punched her to the ground without thinking. But I have never beat her.” There’s the lack of education thing rearing it’s ugly head. Here’s a philosophical question for all you Berkeley and Brown grads that hate me right now: Should Chris Brown face harsher punishment than this crazy bitch? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1136287/One-night-stand-man-wakes-lover-carved-arm.html

Madness doesn’t condone any sort of domestic violence at the end of the day both Ike and Chris Brown are f*cking punks.  If what you need to do in life to prove yourself a man is to beat on a woman you deserve all the bad things that will come to you and for Mr. Brown you will reep this.

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Dumb:

Although he did it against the Knicks, Kobe’s 61 points is nothing to sneeze at. 1st of all, it was the most points scored at Madison Square Garden EVER. More than Jordan’s double-nickel in ‘95 and more than LeBron’s 2 nights after.

2nd, Kobe scored the 61 pts on 31 shot attempts. He shot better than 61% from the field (19-31) and a perfect 20-of-20 from the free throw line. All this with a recently dislocated finger and the torn tendon in his pinkie he still needs surgery on. But the main reason Kobe’s night was better than LeBron’s is the statement it sent. Two days prior, in Memphis, the Lakers championship aspirations took a major blow to the knee, with Kobe himself playing the role of Gillooly. When Kobe fell backwards and sent Andrew Bynum to the floor grabbing his knee, all of LA fell silent and Kobe shook his head in disgust. The day of the Knicks game, the Lakers found out that Bynum would be out 8-12 weeks. Kobe put the team on his shoulders and put up a ridiculous 61 points in only 37 minutes. Now, when people in New York talk about the number 61, they don’t instantly think of Roger Maris.

Kobe’s 61 sent a statement: He is the Black Mamba, the deadliest, most feared creature on the court.

Dumber:

Basketball isn’t my forte, but I’m going with Lebron - even though they both played the Knicks (my hometown squad and an utter embarrassment to MSG - I literally can’t even dribble but I could probably put up 10 or 15 against them). Anyway, a 52 pt. triple-double is the most points for a trip-dub since 1976. Also, while scoring 61 points is incredible, Kobe probably has a better supporting cast, putting more weight on LeBron’s shoulders. Let’s be realistic here: It’s all about the Jordan comparison, right?. Twenty years from now, I think we’ll say LeBron was better than Kobe - he’s younger, stronger, and in my opinion has a better attitude and more upside potential. Kobe, to his credit, has that uncanny competitive streak that I don’t see in Lebron, and he knows how to win championships. All said, I don’t think either will ever do more for the sport of basketball than Jordan did, nor do I think either will ever be a part of anything as special as the 90’s Bulls.

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It’s obvious that both Bonds and ARod have taken Steroids to help augment their already incredible careers. Question: Who Do you hate more: Barry Bond or Alex Rodriguez?

Dumb:

For a long time, Barry Bonds was Public Enemy #1 in the steroid scandal and now he has a rival: A-Rod. You can hate Bonds for the mustache, you can hate him for those queer cross-earrings he always sported, or you can hate him for just being a smug asshole. But now, you gotta hate “A-Roid” more. Why? Because at least Bonds has kept his mouth shut. Nim-Rod over here sits in front of Peter Gammons and can’t even answer a god-damn question! I mean, we KNEW he couldn’t hit under pressure, but that interview was ridiculous. If they woulda’ panned the screen a bit lower, you would’ve seen piss streaming down his slacks for sure. Peter Gammons: “What did you take?” A-Fraud: “Yes”. Peter Gammons: “Did you know what you were doing was wrong?” A-Roid: “Three”. Pathetic. If Barry were in that same situation, I guarantee he woulda’ sat there and in his educated almost Mike Tyson-esque “incredibly feminine for a black guy that big and scary” voice denied all the accusations and stared down Gammons till he had another stroke. A-Rod is a pussy AND a cheater and that’s why I hate him more.

Dumber:

In my opinion, this isn’t even a question. However, we all know that people hate the Yankees. It’s usually because of the huge payroll, the charismatic owner, the famous rivalry with their dirty blue collared little brother (Boston), or because they are probably the most emblematic and historically significant baseball team ever. Regardless, you have to respect them. You also have to respect the players, of which “Stray-Rod” is one. True, it has come to light that he reportedly took performance enhancing drugs for a few years, and he did get caught cheating on his wife red handed, but at least he’s man enough to admit what he did. He understands there are fans and players who look up to him. Ironically, this could be exactly what A-Roid needs - some humility. Bonds on the other hand is the biggest prick in sports. PERIOD. He was one of the best players of all time in the late 80s early 90s, there is no question…but have you ever seen someone so conceded? So selfish? For example, he went to Junipero Serra High School, which has a rich sports tradition and has produced such stars as Tom Brady. Tom has given a boat load of grant money to the school and Bonds has NEVER GIVEN A SINGLE PENNY. He shuns the media, his teammates and fans, all because he’s so self centered. He doesn’t realize (or doesn’t care) that attaining the HR record is diluted by the HGH (and god knows what else) that’s parsing through his veins. What a meat head. I hate Barry Bonds.

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