Sports

In honor of Draft day Dumb has compiled a Madness Mock Draft.  As insufferable as he is it’s not bad.  Forgive any spelling mistakes I had to translate from crayon.

1) Clippers: Blake Griffin (Bet the house on it, unless they trade the pick)

2) Memphis Grizzlies: Hasheem Thabeet (They need a shotblocker and there’s no one better at that in this draft.)

3) Oklahoma City: Ricky Rubio (Rubio, Westbrook, Green, Durant, Gasol. Reminds me of where the Blazers were 2 years ago, except Gasol isn’t a gimp like Oden and Durant is better than anyone Portland has.)

4) Kings: Jrue Holliday (Kings need a PG, Jrue reminds a lot of people of Westbrook. Playing for Howland, he’s ridiculous on D. But this is the Kings, and they’ll probably draft Jonny Flynn)

5) MinnesotaJordan Hill (My sources tell me Minnesota will package this and one of their later picks to move up and get Thabeet. If not, Hill fits the bill)
6) Minnesota T-Wolves: James Harden (Hopefully he’s more Eric Gordon than Randy Foye. No, two Randy Foyes are NOT better than 1)

7) Golden State: Brandon Jennings (Jennings, Monte, Cpt Jax/Magette, Randolf and Biedrins, is a REALLY athletic future. If they can somehow get B Dizzle back to the Bay this year, they could have a playoff team in the near term too)

New York Knicks: Stephen Curry (Since the Knicks are really just looking towards 2010 anyways, Curry presents the opportunity for big upside and little downside. He has star potential in D’antoni’s system. He made DAVIDSON relevent. I don’t think ESPN will show any Davidson games in primetime next year.)

9) Toronto Raptors: Tyreke Evans (Evans should get the nod over DeRozan and Terrence Williams because the Raptors need a scorer.)

10) Milwaukee Bucks: Jonny Flynn (Bucks need a PG and Flynn should be ok. It’s the Buck, they’re just OK too.)

11) New Jersey Nets: DeJuan Blair (This guy’s a beast. I hope it carries over to the NBA.)

12) Charlotte Bobcats: Gerald Henderson (UNC players aren’t working out for Bob’s Cats, lets try a Duke Dork!)

13) Indiana Pacers: DeMar DeRozan (I guess Reggie Miller’s not there anymore since he was all over lame commercials during the playoffs, so SG?)

14) Phoenix Suns: Earl Clark (Athleticism and the Suns go hand in hand.)

15) Detroit Pistons: BJ Mullens (Rasheed’s gettin old, BJ anyone?)

16) Chicago Bulls: James Johnson (Johnson’s a big tough PF, the anti Tyrus Thomas)

17) Philadelphia 76’ers: Eric Maynor (Maynor beat Duke in the NCAA tourney. You have to love him if just for that.)

18) Minnesota Timberwolves: Ty Lawson (Randy Foye is not a PG, Lawson would be a good fit here)

19) Atlanta Hawks: Nick Calathes (Calathes has skills like another Former Gator, Jason Williams. Yes, they’re both white, hence the comparison)

20) Utah Jazz: Tyler Hansborough (Hansborough is the PERFECT Jazz: just a tough, reboundin’, team-first SOB. When was the last time two non-European white boys got picked back to back in the top-20? I must’ve fucked up somewhere).  What other State outside of Utah would dance moves like this be considered mainstream?

21) New Orleans Hornets: Terrence Williams (Williams is athletic and a good SG for this team)

22) Dallas Mavericks: Jeff Teague (If Teague falls here (ATL will swoop him up if they’re smart) then the mavericks may well have found J Kidd’s replacement)

23) Sacramento Kings: Danny Green (He can hit 3’s and will help the Kings offensively. Plus Green is the color of the Iranian Opposition movement. They need a shout-out)

24) Portland Trailblazers: Sam Young (another guy who could score points for Portland and he can help on the defensive end too)

25) Oklahoma City: Chase Budinger (Budinger can play the 2 and 3, adding depth)

26) Chicago Bulls: Austin Daye (Another Tyrus Thomas. But we saw what that did in the playoffs when Tyrus played hard.)

27) Memphis Grizzlies: Jeff Pendergraph (Big Dude, doesn’t need the ball alot. When O.J. Mayo’s your PG, you better hope you can play without the ball)

28) Minnesota Timberwolves: Taj Gibson (3 draft picks is a good thing in the NFL. It’s not a good thing in the NBA, especially for a team as young as Minnesota. If they keep all three, Gibson could fit nicely next too Jefferson and Love)

29) Los Angeles Lakers: Darren Collison (Collison is quick and can play crazy D, being a Howland guy. Since the Lakers only real weakness is quick little PG’s like Aaron Brooks, Collison would be a nice fit)

30) Cleveland Cavaliers: DeJuan Summers (Summers will get open looks with the quadruple-teams LeBron gets and, unlike the guys Cleveland has right now, he can actually score)

It’s a great day for Giants, RedSox and Indians fans everywhere as we learn that Manny Ramirez has tested positive for steroids; karma’s a bitch.  I’m sure there’s a collective sigh of relief around the MLB as this news is sure to slow down the red hot LA Dodgers.  And yes this proves there is a god.

Manny Ramirez was suspended for 50 games by Major League Baseball on Thursday, becoming the latest high-profile player ensnared in the sport’s drug scandals.  The commissioner’s office didn’t announce the specific violation by the Los Angeles Dodgers outfielder, who will lose about one-third of his $25 million salary.

What’s Manny’s excuse?  Typical: “Recently I saw a physician for a personal health issue. He gave me a medication, not a steroid, which he thought was OK to give me,” Ramirez said in a statement issued by the players’ union.

Sick dunk highlight from last nights Orlando/Philly game.  This series has been dwarfed by the epic, 7 game, Bulls Celtics series however you can’t miss a massive dunk by the Polish Hammer filling in for the suspended Dwight Howard.

Police officers, in an attempt to curb illegal street racing, are trying a new tactic by drag racing anybody who has $25 to their name and a Ford Tempo.  The police in Miami, “are redirecting people…from the street to the County Line Drag Way. The program is called Beat the Heat. Once a month, officers will race anyone over the age of 18 for $25.”

You don’t start your own blog about the madness of our world and pass up the opportunity to post an article titled “Fridgerator Hospitalized”.  If you haven’t figured out by now I’m not talking about the large silver or white box, in the kitchen, that keeps your food cold I’m talking about Thee Man, William “fridgerator” Perry.

Perry is in serious condition in a South Carolina hospital after his Guillain-Barré syndrome flared up, according to the Chicago Sun-Times…Perry was diagnosed last June with the chronic disease and was hospitalized for five months at that time.

Here’s a couple reels of this mammoth of a man running through the end zone.

Perry played in the NFL for 10 seasons, joining the Philadelphia Eagles after the Bears released him midway through his ninth season. He was the 22nd overall pick in the 1985 NFL draft, by the Bears, and won a Super Bowl his rookie season with Chicago. He played in 138 games, starting 118 of them, and totaled 29.5 sacks and 506 tackles. He also rushed for two touchdowns in his rookie season, including one in the Super Bowl. Get better soon Fridge!

I know there’s plenty going on right now so why am I spending time focusing on John “I chew my cheeks when I talk” Madden rather than commenting on the TeaParty rallies sweeping the country, or the fact that Tim Lincecum is looking like a bad #1 pick in my fantasy league or the governments recently promised crackdown on conservatives and veterans.  So why the focus Madden’s retirement?  First of all Madden’s a god.  He’s as much part of Thanksgiving as the gravy.  With John gone there is now a rather large and noticeable void in my life come football season.

Who - may I ask you - who will now write, intelligibly, on the TV as I try to watch the replay? What sportscaster will now take up the heralded mantle of bro love and shout their unequivocal man love for the Brett Favre’s of the sports world? Who will I turn to for objective analysis on my Thanksgiving Day spread? I wonder what kind of an impact Madden’s retirement will have on RV Sales?

Madden retires from the NFL scene taking with him a record which is sure never to be broken in my life time.  Madden retires with the highest winning percentage of any Raiders head coach, ever.

NEW YORK - NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol announced today that John Madden, Hall of Fame coach and the most honored broadcaster in sports television history, has decided to retire from broadcasting. Madden issued the following statement today: “It’s time. I’m 73 years old.”

Maybe John will finally come over, hang out, watch football and eat cheesy poofs with me. Everyone needs a dream.

This is an odd study that I hope to god was not funded by the tax payers.  I would like to start off this post by pointing out who ever wrote this article has zero understanding of sports.  How did I arrive at this conclusion? Take a look at the title of the article: “Cities with MLB baseball teams have a lower divorce rate!”  So what this is really saying is, Cities with Major League Baseball Baseball teams have a lower divorce rate!  I guess they didn’t understand that MLB stands for Major League Baseball.  To note this is not a common mistake made by people who frequent baseball games (which according to this article do so to save their marriage).  Who edits this crap?

The University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies has conducted a new study looking at divorce rates before and after cities got Major League Baseball teams. The study showed that cities with major league baseball teams had a 28 percent lower divorce rate than cities that wanted major league baseball teams.

My “evidence” shows that baseball has NOTHING to do with people staying together or not.  If anything I have evidence to the contrary.

In 1990, a year before Denver was awarded a major league baseball franchise, the city’s divorce rate stood at six divorces per 1,000 people. Ten years later, and seven years after the Colorado Rockies played their first game, the divorce rate had declined 20 percent to 4.2 divorces per 1,000 people. In contrast, the overall U.S. divorce rate dropped 15 percent. University of Denver (DU) director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies, psychology professor Howard Markman also studied divorce rates in other cities that welcomed a major league team and found a 30 percent decline in divorces in Phoenix, a 30 percent drop in Miami and a 17 percent drop in Tampa Bay area. While there could be many explanations for this significant difference, Markman stresses the importance of fun and friendship in a healthy marriage. Going to baseball games is one way couples can have fun together and talk as friends.  

Seriously? Have you ever seen the attendance at a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game? It’s one of, if not thee, worst in the MLB.  To think that the few thousand couples, (which is a stretch), that show up at a handful of games a year are an accurate sampling of the relative happiness and divorce rate of millions living in the surrounding Tampa Bay area is pretty heavy on the crazy sauce.  This is statistical malpractice.

True it is nice to go with your significant to a baseball game it’s by no means saving marriages like these ass clowns are postulating. “Going to a baseball game and not talking about relationship issues, but rather having fun and talking as friends is one of the ways to protect and preserve love,” Markman says.  I think this study is missing the basic fact that just spending time is ONE of the ways to “protect and preserve love” (although I don’t see how it’s possible to protect love with Baseball but that’s just me).  Also I typically associate going to baseball games with drinking beer and eating hot dogs, not a terribly romantic endeavor unless you’re this guy.

One last point to make here:  Professional sports aren’t saving marriages, their not bringing couples together, they are forms of entertainment and when people try to make these sporting events romantic interludes, that involve thousands of strangers, the consequences can be disasterous and hilarious.

Following one of the most dominate college performances since Carmelo Anthony took Syracuse to the promised land Blake Griffin has officially, and to no one’s surprise, declared for the NBA Draft.

Griffin announced his decision Tuesday at a campus news conference alongside coach Jeff Capel, saying it was time to take his game to the next level. Griffin helped the Sooners win 30 games in a season for only the fifth time in school history, shattering the school records for double-doubles and rebounds along the way.

It was fun to watch him in College here’s to hoping he lands in the Bay Area.

Opening Day is looming large here in San Francisco. On Tuesday our beloved Giants will take the field the same as they have since 1883.  Good or bad, the throngs will turn out to revel in the pregame debauchery flooding into the myriad of local eateries and pubs surrounding that the park including: Acme Chophouse, Tres Agaves, 21st Amendment, Paragon and my favorite Momo’s (which by the way yours truly will be gracing and signing copies of my website).

Like many of the faithful (or if you work for the Giants Marketing team the “gamers”) look at this year with hope and trepidation.  Hope that we can finally turn the corner and trepidation that this will be a record 5 straight losing seasons.  Only twice in the clubs storied history have we endured 4 straight losing seasons once from 1899 to 1902 & again from 1974 to 1977 but never have we crossed the dreaded 5 straight losing season threshold.  With young stars like Pablo Sandoval, Travis Ishiwhatever, & Fred Lewis peppering our lineup there’s cause for hope and maybe even justification for optimism - I feel like I’m selling a bailout plan.

There’s something in the air this year.  Something is different about the Giants.  We’ve turned into a sexy pick, a mystical team that contains unknown quantities in Pablo Sandoval, Alex Hinshaw, Jonathan Sanchez and Travis Ishikawa.  A team that possess The Freak, The Big Unit, a solid, proven closer in Brian Wilson and the neverending Barry Zito saga.  By the way I’m sick of Zito.  I’m tired of being upset when I look at him.  You know that feeling you get when someone catches you picking your nose and wiping it on their chair - I’m sick of that. Let’s face it the Giants are interesting.  Now this could all change the moment they drop 5 straight but right now they’re as interesting as the Bears v. Broncos matchup this upcoming season.

Can we expect 20 wins this year? We’re going to need them.

Maybe that something in the air is the hope I hold for our Gyros to score more than two runs per outting and hope for Cain to finally get some run support. Hope that Benji’s knees can take 162 games. Hope for Barry Zito to finally earn that paycheck OR give some of it back in a free beer night (eh - you know that would solve all his problems and win him the undying love of many of the “gamers.”) Hope that the NL West continues to rule the roost as the worst division in the majors.  Hope that Man Ram finally blows up in LA and replicates his pathetic, childish antics that preceded his exit from Boston.

Maybe I’m optimistic because this year the Giants rank lucky number 13 in overall team salary with two mediocre pitchers collectively pulling in just under $30 million.  If these two, former, Cy Young Winners can manage to collectively win 25 games I will personally streak the length of the outfield in a George Costanza styled body suit.

The Giants now boast a legitimate #1 and possess some (admittedly I’m playing fast and loose with the word some) power in the lineup.  Don’t believe me? Check out Sandoval’s Youtube highlight below where he won the Venezuelan Home Run Derby.  He beat some guy name Miguel Cabera. Still don’t believe me?  Travis Ishikowa hit 7 dingers in Spring Training, then again so did two guys from Kansas City.  Better yet Zito, yeah him (sigh), looked decent this spring in Arizona.

So as our friends at GM say, “let’s put on our rally caps and dig in,” maybe the Giants can get a government bailout on Zito’s contract? You got a better place to spend Tuesday afternoon?

Here’s to the hope of a winning season…Humm Baby! Oh yeah and BEAT LA!

Anthony Randolph has quietly become one of the NBA’s most exciting and dynamic rookies.  He’s gone unnoticed in large part because he plays for the lowly Golden State Warriors and his coach seems to be conspiring to ruin his already fragile psyche. Randolph is 6′10″ with hops and handles.  On just about any other team (save Boston and the Lakers) Randolph would at least garner 30-35 minutes a game.  Playing under Nelson, who disdains rookies, his playing time has no correlation to his skill or better yet potential.

It’s getting to the point where I almost want to see him traded so I can at least watch him play for a team that values his unlimited potential.

Bill Simmons, in his recent mail bag, has even taken notice of Randolph’s prolific skills. “He’s one of the most breathtaking rookies I’ve seen in person — ever — for all the reasons you just described. There has never been anyone quite like him. He’s like a cross between Josh Smith and Lamar Odom, only if you fed him 10 Red Bulls and told him right before the game, “If you can make 10 things happen during the 10 minutes you play tonight, we will quadruple your salary and you will start for the rest of the season” … and then he does just that, but the coach reneges on the promise so Anthony has a near-crying meltdown on the bench. That’s every Anthony Randolph game. I caught him once and, in the span of two hours, he made three “MY GOD!” plays and broke down on the Warriors’ bench because Nellie wouldn’t put him back in, followed by an assistant consoling him through an entire timeout like Randolph was a third grader who got in trouble for something he didn’t do, then had a meltdown and got kicked out of class. It was riveting. The odds of me missing another Clips-Warriors game for the next five years are 10,000-to-1.”